I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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