I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
