well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
40s are totally the cure
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
