I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
