i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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