There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
