Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
