he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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