He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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