I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
