HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
