i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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