so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
