smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
