Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
