i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
