I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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