I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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