Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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