is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
