i need an iv and a liver transplant
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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