Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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