Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
