im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
