I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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