I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
