ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize