1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
