I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
