That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
