I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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