i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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