So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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