Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
