P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
