My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
