This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
