I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
