I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
