I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
