Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
