I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
