I just cut my nipple shaving
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
