If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
