Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
