do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
