it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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