If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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