I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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