I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
