I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
