theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's official drugs can't kill me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
