So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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