So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize