winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
