I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize