He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
